


What are we?

by willyherondale



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: F/M, I don't know where I'm going with this but heh why not, M/M, along for the ride I guess, i should shut up, idk i feel like i rushed the ending, like there is death in this but none that didn't already happen in the show?, so it shouldnt be too bad, this couldve been so much more, what am i even talking about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 08:09:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7676770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willyherondale/pseuds/willyherondale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An account of the brief time in your life that you spent with Jesse Pinkman and the effect it had on you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What are we?

You never really knew how much of a mess Jesse's life was. At least, not completely. Of course you had some idea of how his life always seemed to be in some sort of danger all the time, but then again what drug dealer's wasn't? He would argue that in fact he wasn't a drug dealer, but rather a manufacturer. It was all the same to you. He didn't tell you at first what his job was, no, but it wasn't necessarily the most difficult thing to piece together. Especially with the odd hours he worked and all those chemicals he came home smelling of. You didn't ever bring it up though, it didn't really concern you as long as he left his illustrious outside lifestyle at the door when he came to see you. Nothing really concerned you with him and that was really the most he could ask for. A sanctuary from the shit-storm that seemed to ruin everything else in his life, that's what you were to him. He had never been so lucky before now.

He often wondered how he had managed to land someone like you; you should have been way out of his league considering his background verses yours. You had been a straight A student, gotten into an Ivy league college, and had managed to settle down quite nicely with a secure office job in Albuquerque. He on the other hand...well, we don't need to really talk about that.

Meeting you was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. Literally bumping into you in a Whole Foods whilst half high seemed like the coincidence that he was looking for in his life to pick himself up and get him to try. This was even before he had started to cook with Walt, before Emilio had been busted, and before all that shit had started to really go downhill for him. Your smile as you tried to apologise for something that was really his fault seemed to sober him up enough for him to offer to carry your groceries for you. It was sweet, _he_ was sweet, and despite the appearance of over sized clothes and bloodshot eyes, he made you smile. He made you laugh with his embarrassed mumbling and childish behaviour as he desperately tried to flirt. You found it endearing enough that you asked him out first. His response was enough to make your heart flutter a little bit; "Well, like....if you're cool with that, dude. I mean, I don't mean to impose but like you're really cute and, yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

"Ok then Mr....?"

"Pinkman. But call me Jesse, like yo, I don't go for any of that formal shit or whatever. But yeah, sorry. Jesse, it's Jesse."

"Well here's my number Mr. Pinkman," You held out a scribbled post-it note to him whilst winking, "Call me, ok?"

The late night conversations and erratically placed dates throughout the months inevitably brought you closer together. You started to let your heart fall for him. When he wasn't high was when he was at his best; you had to make a rule that he wouldn't talk to you high anymore after a few incidents of late night voicemails which really had you worried and him embarrassed. He did want to make this work though, you were too wonderful for him to let go so easily. He'd never wanted to make something last so much in his life before. You were special, really special.

Some nights he would just gaze at your sleeping form next to his and stare at your face just wondering, asking the universe what on earth he had done to deserve someone as good as you. It would take him into the early hours of the morning sometimes and yet he never seemed to be able to grasp at an answer.

You were happy with him regardless of what the people you associated with said. He made you laugh and he made you feel good in a way no one else could. He seemed so enamored with you that every time he looked at you it was like he was seeing you has his whole world and nothing else. He especially loved it when you would silently, shyly, take his hand just as reassurance that he was still there, that he wasn't leaving you anytime soon, that he would stay with you until the end of time. It pained you to be reminded of the fact that that wasn't true and he would most likely leave you like everyone else had done in the past, but he was here now and that was all that mattered in the moment. You had Jesse Pinkman all to yourself and you were happy.

The first time he said "I love you" it wasn't at a heartfelt bit whilst watching a rom-com film. It wasn't at night when he thought you couldn't hear him (although that did happen numerous times after). It was in between needy kisses and rough fucking. It caught you so off guard that you had to pull away and pause. He thought he had slipped up, made some mistake, so he immediately tried to get up and dress himself whilst repeatedly apologising over and over. His flustered state pulled you out of your stupor as you finally forcefully pulled him back on to the bed with you. 

"Shut up, you idiot. I love you too," you gruffly murmured before pulling him back into a kiss as the roles reversed and it seemed that he was the one now in shock. He melted like wax underneath your fingertips as you proceeded to touch him in ways that felt so different this time because _you loved him_ and no one could change that. Apart from himself and his childish mistakes.

The relationship you shared wasn't the most stable in the world. He had been known to cheat before you'd gotten involved with him so it was really just a big risk to even consider him seriously. And yet here you were, and to say the least you were content with the situation at hand. You loved him, despite the warnings your brain had given your heart, and you had convinced yourself that he felt the same and always would. You would plod on with your boring conventional life that didn't seem to have any quirks to the outside viewer and he would continue with his criminal one. He had been faithful since you had decided to title him officially as "your boyfriend" after the fourth date, as far as you knew. But what you didn't know couldn't hurt, right?

He reasoned with himself over and over when he was sleeping with Jane that it was only for the moment, only _that moment_ , and that it wouldn't last. He wasn't going to get caught up again in a big mess that could ruin what you had. You were too important for that, for him to fuck up again. He had promised himself, he had promised you. And yet it felt _so good_ not letting you know. He tried to stop, but even so somewhere along the line he had persuaded himself that distancing him from you by ignoring your calls, your messages, your pleas was for the best. Jesse told himself that Jane was better for him, that you deserved better than him; a drug dealer junkie and a high school drop out with no good future ahead of him, and avoiding the confrontation completely was really the only way for it to go.

Jane's death hit him hard. And after four months of not talking to him completely he came crawling back to you, rehabilitated and all, delivered right to your doorstep like an unwanted Christmas present from a relative you had tried to disown. On his knees begging he tried to explain where it had all gone wrong and why he was to blame and how perfect you were, and so you let him back in. Why? You weren't sure really but here he was sleeping on your couch, blanket engulfing him and you staring lovingly at him as if nothing had ever gone wrong between you two. It just felt right to have him back despite what he'd done. You knew you should have been more cautious of what he could do to your heart but still, you had gotten taken in by the whole fiasco and loved every second of it, even when he had shattered your heart and glued it back together clumsily with clunky words and fumbling apologies. You knew he was heartfelt though, what else could he be?

He even promised for the fifth time during make-up sex that it would never happen again, and it didn't for a while. You were happy, again, for a time. You even moved in with him for a bit. His grief over Jane hadn't fully subsided but you were there. His drug use still restrained you from letting him back in completely and the half-assed apologies from him almost OD-ing once more tipped you over the edge so much that you had to move out again. But he was trying and that was enough for you not to disappear off of the face of the planet for him. He deserved to still have you in his life.

It was like a mantra in your head. _He'll get better. He'll get better. He'll get better._ And still, he never really seemed to. He tried, oh how he tried for you. You were the one good thing in his world and he still seemed to take you for granted at every turn. His heart becoming less and less grateful for your constant presence and reassuring comfort in those lonely, nightmarish times. You had just been such a constant in his life for so long, even when he had almost died overdosing, even when he was at his lowest, you were just always _there_. So he started to assume that you always would be.

So when you just up and left, completely distancing yourself from him he didn't know what to do. _He_ was the fuck up, he was the one who was supposed to not call for days on end. He was supposed to just leave. Not you, never you. You were always there for him, you had the patience of a saint so when you weren't there... Walt had to pick him up again. Take him out the gutter and get him back into the lab. Jesse eventually got Saul to find out where you had gone. Turns out you'd moved to Santa Fe and when he heard the voicemail you'd left him his heart broke.

"Jesse," there was a long pregnant pause, "I don't-I don't know what to say." Another pause. "I just, I just can't do it anymore. You know? It's just all gotten too much for me and I just can't, ok? So can you just get these guys to get off of my tail? I know they were sent here by you, they were sent by Saul I know. I know." A deep sigh. He imagined you with that furrowed brow that you always had when you had that look of frustration on your face. It made him smile remembering. "I'm sorry I had to leave, ok? I just needed to get away, a fresh start. And there was this job opportunity up in Santa Fe and I know it's a long way but Albuquerque was suffocating me and I-" You cut yourself off not knowing how to continue. "Look I'm sorry Jesse. I'm sorry I had to leave but I can't keep babysitting you all the time. You're supposed to be my _boyfriend_ for gods sake! Not my _child_. I'm sorry I'm rambling I should go I just- I love you." You whispered the last words as if they were to hard to even choke out but the sincerity was there. The phone beeped into Jesse's ear loudly, blaring as if it were a reminder that you weren't on the end of the phone like he had imagined. That he was talking to you again. No, you were miles away. Untouchable, and not ever wanting to ever see him again for all he knew.

He moved on though, eventually. It was difficult at first but he met a really nice girl at the rehab group. Sure, he initially wanted to sell her drugs but finding out that Andrea had kids just put a whole different spin on things. He actually became involved so much more with Andrea's life since then, almost forgetting the mess that was your relationship before. He missed you, Jesse would admit that to anyone but, he didn't know how to put it. Andrea just made him remember what it was like to have a good time again. Not that you didn't make him happy, but he wasn't sure that you'd be able to be happy with him again like you were back in those days. Those days were so innocent in retrospect and his time with Andrea and Brock reminded him of that. It made him feel safe again, like he had a normal life and wasn't constantly in danger.

Killing Gale changed all of that though. He had to protect Walt, he knew that. And even though Walt was one of the biggest assholes that Jesse knew, he had to protect him even with that knowledge. They were practically family, there wasn't any changing that after how much they'd been through together. People don't just leave their partners behind like that, even with it meaning that they'd kill for each other. Walt had already killed for the cause and now it seemed it was Jesse's turn to bite the bullet and get on with it.

He didn't handle it well though. The parties were enough to prove that. And when you decided to move back to Albuquerque because you missed it too much, your visit to him didn't go so well. He was higher than you had ever seen him. His house had become some sort of crack house, and when you finally started talking to him he didn't think you were real. He thought you were yet another hallucination sent here to torture him. To remind him of all the things he'd messed up in his life. You called Saul, who in turn called Mike and then who eventually arrived on the scene to see the wreck that was now Jesse's life. Few words were exchanged between you two but you knew he was going to help.

You didn't see Jesse for another week after that. But soon enough he was back on your doorstep looking as sheepish as ever just asking to be friends this time. You let him back in. Gave him a place to crash when his house was being redone again. Things were ok. He confessed to you about Andrea and Brock but you seemed fine with it. You were happy for him, didn't mean that you still didn't worry for him in his line of work though. You yourself had been searching for love in other places and for a while you had settled down with a nice guy and had been content with it all. But it wasn't enough, it wasn't the happiness you were searching for, it wasn't Jesse.

After only seeing him sporadically over the months to come, you had become accustomed to the fact that things would never be like they were. You just had to move on, like he had, and just try to forget how happy you were with him. It helped that he was distancing himself from you again though, it eased the pain of seeing him with another woman. You were there to still support him however and knowing the constant conflict he seemed to be having at work with Walt and Gus and Mike it seemed to help just having you there. Like you were before. But this time no messy relationship involved. It was easy this way, easy to keep you safe because they couldn't use you as leverage.

However when Gus died and he was free from all that it seemed things were finally going well for him. He started up the cooking again with Walt and Mike and it was ok for a time. He felt that he had to really protect Andrea and Brock though. So when he broke up with her it was for the best. Still, he couldn't seem to bring himself to drag himself away from you even with all the attempts he had had in trying to protect you. But Jesse still visited you, he still cared, and deep down even with him trying to deny it for well over a year now, _he still loved you_. And while the proposal may have been a surprise on your end, he saw it as the only solution in his miserable life. He needed you in it, he had known that ever since he had met you, and even with him trying to forget what you had had before, the memories just didn't go away. He loved you too much. And to his surprise you said yes. You had no idea the danger that put you in. You had no idea and yet your ignorance was bliss. It was the happiest you had been in forever and you weren't going to let it go for anything.

It was only when Jesse was held hostage by the Neo-Nazis and that Andrea was killed that you knew you had to worry. You gotten Saul (just before he had decided to disappear himself) to get you that vacuum cleaner guy who could make people disappear. You didn't care how much it cost you, you blew your life savings on getting out alive. Sure, you still loved Jesse, you always would but....but this was it. This was the end game. Jesse was dead for all you knew and he had said that if he ever died that you were to use the money he had hidden in your house (which in reality wasn't nearly enough) to get out, to disappear, to just live. Sitting in a basement with Saul waiting to be moved to Nebraska under a new identity wasn't exactly the glamorous getaway you had imagined, but if it kept you alive and safe it was all you could ask for.

It was through the tears that you started to laugh slightly on the ridiculousness of it all. You were supposed to have a normal life, settle down, have a few kids and die peacefully without any criminal hiccups. But Jesse just had to saunter into your life with his stupidly endearing mannerisms and turn it all on its head. You tried to wipe the tears away so hard that your eyes started to become red raw around the rims, but they still wouldn't stop. You wouldn't forget Jesse, not ever. Especially in your new life. You promised yourself that if there was any chance that you could ever find him, even if it endangered your life, even if there was the tiny possibility of him being alive, you would find him. You would have the happy life that you both deserved, you would be settled, and you wouldn't live in danger or fear. No, that couldn't happen now, you knew that. But you could dream, you could dream that it would happen, perhaps in another life.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I really rushed the ending but ehhh? I don't know. I've always had a soft spot for Jesse and seeing the general lack of fanfiction involving him with the reader kinda irked me. But yeah, I hope you enjoy and critiques would be appreciated (I wrote this in a day so there are bound to be mistakes). Anyway, I'll be off now. I currently have an ear infection so I don't really know what I'm doing writing this when I really should be resting aha ^^; I'm just gonna leave and play some Overwatch now. See ya. (this can be read with a gender neutral reader too, isn't that awesome?)


End file.
